Far from home

Living far from my wife and our baby wouldn't be so difficult if it were not for the great moments that I miss every day. In the last few weeks my son started walking - I wasn't there to witness his first steps. He's learned to punch (with his little fist); the first (and main) victim was his cousin, a little girl 4 months his senior, who until that point always beat him. He has, in the last few weeks, developed an interest in chasing and torturing the cat; he follows it wherever it goes and, gripping it by its fur, "plays" with it. Poor, patient animal: I'm so thankful that it hasn't scratched him so far.

I miss him so much that every time we talk I ask my wife to hold the phone close to him so I can hear his breathing. He tries to grab the phone and, once he does, doesn't give it back. He bites his mother, his uncles, his cousin. He probably tries to bite the cat when he's on his own.

I look forward to seeing him walk, even run, the day we meet. I even secretly wish that he'll run towards me and I'll lift him up high, landing kiss after kiss on his cheeks and neck. Except that this is wishful thinking. Because it is very likely he'll not recognise me when we meet. He probably won't have forgotten me completely by that time, but he'll not easily recognise me either.

Thus, when I think about the sacrifice that I'm making, the rewards of this self-imposed exile seem very dubious.

Death cometh to Cambridge

The festive season is about to come to Cambridge and all the university buildings will be closed for at least 10 days. So will the Grads Cafe on the 3rd floor of the University Centre building, where I like to spend some time off my daily work, reading newspapers and having cup after cup of relatively cheap coffee. So will the many other nice and cosy places where one can go when in need of a change. The town will be literally dead for these 10 days and, because I do not enjoy Christmas, this time promises to be quite boring.

My room is cold and sitting there from morning till night is not the prospect that I look forward to - but it seems that's where I'll spend the dead season.

To remember the time

These days will pass by whether I want it or not - soon I will be looking back at them, with joy or anguish I am not sure, but surely with a stern belief that it's all over. With the world on my shoulders a little lighter. The exam day will come and go, I will be either very happy in the end (which is not very likely), or a little frustrated - the pain that I am already well used to in the past couple of months of writing for long, sleepless nights, failing where I usually don't, being rejected visas. GRE is one helluva exam, I should say, but it is not beyond my ambition, although possibly pretty much beyond my skills at the moment. But I will survive. I will get through. That's for sure.

Turning this into a running blog?

I am seriously planning to start running. But I first have to stop planning and start working. Life is quite boring after all the papers written and exams taken, I want to make it somewhat more challenging. Besides, I am long suffering from time-management problems which have given way to insomnia which have led to bad stomach. All these issues need addressing. Thus, I have decided to get a pair of good running shoes and kick the whole thing off. Serious people carry on running until their seventies and even eighties, so I have lots of time to patrol the neighbourhoods of my current and future towns.

Ultimately this is a test of myself, of how long I can keep it going. I am kind of stubborn and like to persevere, but at times it gets frustrating and I lose all my initial enthusiasm. Well, I am serious about running at the moment, but I cannot be sure of what I will think about my progress and performance a few months later.

Lazy lazy lazy

I have not been so lazy in the last few months. I am so lazy today that I don't want to even think about anything. Maybe I am tired of everything, maybe I need a rest. Maybe it is because I can feel that something is wrong with my body, my head, my spirit. Or maybe it is because I am not getting enough sleep every night. I don't know. I am fed up with most of what I have everyday. And I want to change some things in my life, because almost everything I have now adds up to the current frustration. So I have to do something about it. But before that, I need a good rest.